The Internet is full of self improvement advice. You can’t browse a blog these days without someone telling you how you should be living your life.
Well it is about time we shook things up a little…
Allow me to introduce to you: Self Improvement Advice from the Devil
1 - Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
2 - Half the people you know are below average.
3 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
4 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
8 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
9 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
10 - When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
11 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
12 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
13 - I intend to live forever……so far, so good.
14 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
15 - If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
16 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
17 - Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
18 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
19 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
61 responses so far ↓
1 Rick Bankson // Nov 26, 2007 at 7:32 pm
This is great!! Love these great pieces of advice from the devil. Whoever wrote these is brilliant. I’d love to read more
Rick
2 Ben // Nov 26, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Wow…. very entertaining Dean… you never let us down
3 Joshua // Nov 26, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Clever Dean…
4 Michael Dunlop // Nov 26, 2007 at 10:36 pm
Great advice Dean, keep it up!
5 Chris // Nov 27, 2007 at 2:29 am
Very clever post - thanks for the laugh.
how about this to add to the list
- the easiest person to lie to is yourself
or
- the fastest way to succees is to fail fast
6 Izabael DaJinn // Nov 27, 2007 at 4:06 am
As a Goetic-demoness I give this list my seal of approval.
7 Innovation Catalyst // Nov 27, 2007 at 4:15 am
No. 7 is indeniably true.
Early bird/first mouse - Madame Curie. Worm/Mousetrap - Radium. Second mouse - General Electric.
8 james // Nov 27, 2007 at 4:15 am
Many thanks for the Self Improvement Advice from the Devil piece, it put a smile on my face and made me wish for more. I hope you will add more to the list in the future. The truly funny thing is that a lot of it actually makes sense.
9 Peter // Nov 27, 2007 at 4:19 am
Haha… these are classic.
10 sharon // Nov 27, 2007 at 5:08 am
Seriously interestinggggggg
11 M Sathish // Nov 27, 2007 at 5:55 am
Heil The Devil
12 Judy // Nov 27, 2007 at 6:14 am
LuV’d it! Wanted to subscribe but browser quit working. Kudos.
13 Rebecca // Nov 27, 2007 at 6:15 am
Tsk, Tsk! Devil, this is very bad advice. Reigning in Hell has you completely out of touch with the human world, eh? If only I weren’t too lazy to teach you a lesson…
14 Nick The Geek // Nov 27, 2007 at 9:27 am
Hahahahahahaaa …
Dean does it again …
Superb!
15 The Devil // Nov 27, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Thanks for the mention !
Great article
16 Michael // Nov 27, 2007 at 2:30 pm
Well that’s one for chuckle of the day.
Great post,even though some aren’t totally original, I still laughed out loud at lease twice.
Great stuff.
Michael.
17 the forester // Nov 27, 2007 at 2:40 pm
“A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.”
Love this one — quite profound.
18 Jesse // Nov 27, 2007 at 3:35 pm
You must be a Todd Snider fan, Lou(cifer)…. Todd mentioned in one of his songs that approximately that percentage of stats are indeed made up on the spot.
Kudos!
19 eyeofthetiger // Nov 27, 2007 at 3:49 pm
Love Jesus, love porkchops.
20 Logan // Nov 27, 2007 at 4:17 pm
This is an utterly bland list. It belongs in a photocopied Iowan hand-distributed community gazette beside an image of the ‘Hang In There’ cat, acres of clip art, and an article about how to switch on a computer.
21 This is not Dean Hunt week! | Buzzoodle Buzz Marketing // Nov 27, 2007 at 4:20 pm
[...] at the risk of making this Dean Hunt week, here is his article about self improvement from the devil. - and all the details on how it is spreading across the [...]
22 Mark // Nov 27, 2007 at 4:23 pm
Call yourself the Devil? The problem with the gene pool is that there are too many lifeguards, in my opinion…
23 bmunch // Nov 27, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Hi Devil,
Can I sell my soul to you? It’s only about 2 bucks and maybe a self improvement eBook from you.
24 ontarian_frog // Nov 27, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Umm #2 is wrong. The average is not the exact middle. The median is. Extremes affect averages which would mean that if you take IQ tests for example, very dumb people will lower the score, hence make more people above average.
The median never lies. It is always the middle, that’s why they call it a median.
25 Tryptomine // Nov 27, 2007 at 4:47 pm
“It takes two to lie: one to lie and one to listen.” -Homer Simpson
Just seemed to fit in.
26 Jerlyn // Nov 27, 2007 at 5:08 pm
certainly brilliant!
27 Mike // Nov 27, 2007 at 5:21 pm
What the other commenters fail to realize is that these quotes have been around for many many years. Dean didn’t write them - he only collected 19 of them.
28 Interwebhunt // Nov 27, 2007 at 5:49 pm
That was a great posting. I personally love number 9.
29 eeyore // Nov 27, 2007 at 6:21 pm
“Advice from the Devil” = “Chuck Norris Facts for Pessimists”
30 Abhishek // Nov 27, 2007 at 6:49 pm
Great list Mr.Devil. Would definitely love to get a few more words of advice. Abhishek
31 Mike Porter // Nov 27, 2007 at 9:31 pm
on statistics:
9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
on medians:
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who do not.
32 kwoff.com // Nov 28, 2007 at 12:33 am
Self Improvement Advice from the Devil…
1 - Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
2 - Half the people you know are below average….
33 Kick Butt Radio // Nov 28, 2007 at 1:58 am
“The light at the end of the tunnel - is probably a train coming in the opposite direction.”
“Things are usually darkest - right before they go totally black!”
Rick Butts
http://www.KickButtRadio.com
34 Mohan // Nov 28, 2007 at 2:36 am
One from me, Dean!
To get rich fast (thanks to a newly discovered African ancestor!), open a Gmail account….
35 penny // Nov 28, 2007 at 3:38 am
Look up Proverbs from Hell in
” The Marriage of Heaven and Hell” by William Blake.
It’s much better.
Still, these are good.
36 Chip // Nov 28, 2007 at 9:22 am
I had a good laugh reading all these advice. Great, man, just great.
37 Perp // Nov 28, 2007 at 10:28 am
Nice one, as usual, Dean! Great lsit!
38 Someone // Nov 28, 2007 at 11:04 am
well, let me try and creat one for my self; you never know maybe one day someone will write a post in his golb “blog, but 20 years later :P”
My door never feels the same anymore; oops I’m in my neighbor’s house - Someone
39 Manoj // Nov 28, 2007 at 4:45 pm
I love all mankind but its people I can’t stand
40 Quinton // Nov 28, 2007 at 9:18 pm
“If at first you don’t succeed, Lower your standards then proceed.” Quinton Brower c. 1999. Words to live by.
41 Don Veto // Nov 29, 2007 at 11:36 am
Great advice, thanks for shareing.
42 Neil Duckett // Nov 29, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Great post Dean, tremendous results too.
43 Weekly Linkage - 11/29 | InterWebHunt - Make Money Online // Nov 29, 2007 at 1:37 pm
[...] Advice from the devil - This is a fantastic post that everyone should read. Has a great listing of advice and thoughts from the “devil”. Worth a read at lunchtime while you’re sitting in a cubicle, trust me! [...]
44 Bob // Nov 30, 2007 at 1:19 am
The only one of these that is actually a piece of advice is #1…
45 Michael Weir // Dec 1, 2007 at 11:57 am
Positively devilish (and funny).
46 Martyn // Dec 1, 2007 at 3:28 pm
Some of these are one wave short of a ship wreck!
47 self-improvement advice from the devil « Onwards and Forwards // Dec 2, 2007 at 11:30 am
[...] seems to be one heck of a depressed devil. The full list of 19 (is that some evil number?) snippets of damned wisdom. I guess i’ll file it under [...]
48 Jacky // Dec 2, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Surely I will keep this article to my favorate folder!!!
49 Zunzara // Dec 2, 2007 at 3:20 pm
2.7.8.9 are brilliant, others are not so unique. . .
50 Self Improvement Advice from the Devil — Mr. Crowley // Dec 2, 2007 at 4:47 pm
[...] read more | digg story [...]
51 Self-Improvement Advice From the Devil » Kim Kinrade // Dec 4, 2007 at 12:49 am
[...] Now for some humor from Retired at 21 [...]
52 will // Dec 5, 2007 at 3:02 am
for ontarian_frog
averages is a broad term which encompasses mean, median and mode (perhaps IQR, SD, Sr etc). therefore the meaning is generally down to the context, which in this case is very obvious.
but great post.. very homer (simpson) -esque.
53 marcus vinicius // Dec 5, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Hello Dean,
I’m the guy from Brazil,
Thank’s a lot about your visit in my site, and I expect bring your ideas from portuguese more times.
Y usted habla español! Que rico!
Hugs from Brazil.
Marcus
54 Fruitloop // Dec 7, 2007 at 4:46 am
What a great list! Thanks for sharing it
55 somebody // Dec 10, 2007 at 1:40 pm
LMAO
56 stevo // Dec 19, 2007 at 5:28 pm
re: #2 In defense of Dean there are several types of average including mean and median. Dean referred to neither. He said “average”, (unless he edited it later)
57 Bryan // Dec 22, 2007 at 6:33 pm
Ahh, Wise words to live by, haha! Awesomeness
58 John Smith // Dec 22, 2007 at 10:19 pm
Great discoveries!
59 Raj // Feb 17, 2008 at 5:58 pm
This list sure sounds satanic !
60 Benedict Manovill // Feb 26, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Very funny, Dean - especially that image of the gleeful devil.
All the best,
Benedict
61 Self-improvement // Mar 4, 2008 at 12:43 am
Excellent! Even if it’s funny but you’ll make yourself think of it. I like number 1 it’s really true.
Cheers
-Jan
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